Our intrepid movie series watcher is back with theBoogeyman series. To be honest, I didn’t know there was more than one. Upon researching this series I realized there are dozens of different boogeymen-themed films with the name Boogeyman in them. DOZENS!!
When I was a little kid I had to share a room with my sister two years my junior. As the oldest child in the family, it was my job to scare her and treat her like shit, and I did a damn fine job of it. In fact, I did such a fine job of it that about three years ago, when I was thirty and she was twenty-eight years of age, she got shitfaced on a bottle of Disaronno and angrily told me what a horrible sister I was to her, back when I was six and she was four and she asked to sleep in my bed because she was sure there was a pirate monster living under hers. I told her yes, of course she could dwell on my sleeping space, but the problem was this — I was at the stage of my life where I really wanted a dog, and since my parents said no, I decided my sister would have to stand in. Therefore, she was allowed to sleep in my bed, but at the foot of it, curled up in a ball like a puppy. At one point in the night, I woke and she was creeping up my mattress, so I pushed her back down all, “No, no, bad puppy.” This was, apparently, The Worst and Cruelest Act Anyone Has Ever Inflicted Upon Her, and she blames me for it to this day. I, however, blame the aforementioned Bed-Dwelling Pirate Monster, our family’s boogeyman. And since I have been traumatized by a forever-damaged relationship with my sister, I decided to watch the Boogeyman series as a sort of homage to the relationship that never will be with my sister, all because of one summer night when she did a piss-poor job of pretending to be a German Shepherd puppy.
We all know some variation of the boogeyman. In this version, we meet Tim Jenson, the kid who never screams when all other kids would, who is sure the boogeyman lives in his closet. When his dad comes to check the room one night, Tim’s nightmare comes true, and Pops is sucked into the closet, leaving Tim alone to grow up, which he does — turning into Matt Camden from 7th Heaven! I am so excited to see famed actor Barry Watson in this role. So Barry-as-Matt-as-Tim has a city job and a girlfriend and a sweet old finicky Mustang. Unfortunately, Tim also has Closet Phobia to this day, on account of that time his dad was consumed by one.
Tim ends up having a weird premonition dream involving thinking he’s going to bang his lady love except whoopsy daisy, it’s his mom in his bed, looking haggard, y’all. As a single parent, I can attest to how raising a child can affect one’s beauty. I mean, you should see me. I went from a solid 6 to being mistaken for the Honey Boo Boo kid’s mom in the course of, like, three months. Anyway, Tim finds out his mom has died and has to go home for the funeral. While there, he visits his old shrink and decides to spend the night in his old haunted house to finally overcome the aforementioned Closet Phobia.
This doesn’t work out well at all, mostly because of women: his neighbor Kate is annoying, there is a hobo ghost child living in the shed out back and his girlfriend comes by to sexy visit him. Honestly, the most engaging part of this movie is when Tim and his girlfriend are in a hotel and she asks him to get ready to get down. “I’ll make us a vodka Red Bull,” says Tim, because that is what all lovers drink pre-love making, vodka and Red Bull. Sadly, right before Tim can get him some, he ends up jumping from closet to closet, a veritable closet timehop, where he is Schrodinger’s Scared Kid, until we find the boogeyman back in Tim’s childhood bedroom ready to take on him, taaaaake hiiim oooon. Of course Tim figures out how to stop the Boogeyman — spoiler alert, it involves counting to six and breaking a little dolly figurine that of course his mom never threw out even though Tim clearly left that house as soon as he could JUST LIKE YOU DID DAD. This entire film is simply pro-hoarding propaganda and I am sold. Time to start piling up every worksheet my own kid completes in school between now and graduation.
Film-to-Boogeyman Equivalent: Thinking there’s a monster in your closet and finding out that it’s just a squirrel that got trapped in your hand-me-down parka
BOOGEYMAN 2: ELECTRIC BOOGEYLOO
Okay, that’s not really the title of the second film in the series, but it should be, so that’s how I’m titling it. Anyway. Laura and Henry Porter have a great life, that is, until the boogeyman kills their parents. Things spiral downhill after that, and we learn that Henry had to go off to an asylum which teaches people to overcome their fears because Henry, much like the previously discussed Tim, also suffers from Closet Phobia.
When Henry gets discharged from the hospital, he begins to make a life for himself, but, oops, it appears that Laura is now suffering from Closet Phobia. Basically, my understanding is Closet Phobia is like strep, and if you eat or drink after someone, you can just keep passing that shit back and forth. So Laura goes off to Scared Straight, where we meet a ragtag team of misfits, each with their own fears — germs, food, acting in quality films — and learn that Laura’s new doctor is none other than Jigsaw, or at least the actor who portrays Jigsaw, which is a fun little twist. Laura is sure that the boogeyman is real once people start dying in the hospital, but the doctors there are like, “No, no, you’re just a little crazy,” except, wait, we find out after a bunch of people die that Dr. Jigsaw was actually the shrink for TIM JENSON! What a linear plotline we’ve been given! So Dr. Jigsaw is actually a little concerned that the boogeyman may have actually been a thing, we learn from his serious doctor notes, which he keeps in a manila folder, and guess what, guys? Once when Henry was at Scared Straight, Dr. Jigsaw locked him in a closet so he’d overcome his fear, and that mean old boogeyman done jumped in his body and possessed him, like you do.
So Laura’s brother is the Boogeyman Incarnate, which is a total bummer, because now she’s an orphan in an institution with a crazy, murdering brother. And then, double bummer, finally, defeated, she just goes along with it — and does what any good sister would do, and decapitates her brother. Unfortunately, Henryman Boogeybrother has been one step ahead of her the entire time, and Laura has actually decapitated one of her doctors instead. Now would have been a good time for her break out the old Steve Urkel and end the film with a coy, “Did I do that?” but, alas, I didn’t write this screenplay, so it ends with Laura probably going to jail forever and ever, which may not be that bad of a sitch for her, because, I mean, who else does she have in the world? No one. I like to imagine she got on DateAPrisoner.com though and found love, because isn’t that something we all deserve? Isn’t it?
Film-to-Boogeyman Equivalent: Thinking there’s a monster under your bed, but finding out it’s just a family of rats that have burrowed into your box springs, trying to make a home for their children and living on the food crumbs you dropped whilst eating in bed during that particularly hard winter when getting up was just too much some days
Aw, this is sweet. We learn in this final chapter that Dr. Jigsaw has a daughter, a nice college student who reads her deceased dad’s journals and learns that, yep, the boogeyman is real. So Jigsaw Junior does what all reasonable people would do and calls in for advice to her college radio station advice show.
That’s how we meet our lead character, Sarah, who is still a little mentally unstable from her mother’s death. What would be the odds so many of these people are connected and they all have deceased parents? In this series? 100 percent, because why create a new plotline when we can re-use the one from the first movie and smoosh out two VOD sequels? Anyway, Sarah has a sad which is compounded when people, including Jigsaw Junior, start getting murdered all around her. Of course, no one believes Sarah and her entire, “Hey guys, watch out for the closet monster!” spiel, which is exactly why I never, ever told anyone about the capybara named Frank that lived in my closet for years. People just don’t understand.
Anyway, shit gets progressively worse for Sarah until her boyfriend ends up disemboweled and spit out by the boogeyman, and our heroine, in a final act of martyrdom that she hopes will stall out the perpetual boogeyman motion machine, decides to tell the cops she’s responsible for all the death and carnage. The cops, being good and thorough detectives, are like, “Okay, cool. Thanks,” and cart her off to jail. However, the boogeyman just has to showboat, so he commits one final act of terror and gobbles her up out of the elevator while the aforementioned cops stand casually by. One police force which will never be accused of overzealousness is the department working this movie, because the story pretty much ends with the two cops staring into the darkness of an elevator shaft, seemingly more confused than anything else by the monster that just ate their suspect. I would’ve expected an angry shout, or an attempted tasing, or something, but no. Instead, we get a final shot of new girls in the dorm talking about the boogeyman legend, and we all know where this is going, which is nowhere, because someone had to have realized they were wasting their money by keeping this story alive.
Film-to-Boogeyman Equivalent: Thinking there is a monster in your toilet but realizing that your roommate, once again, night shat and forgot to flush, leaving you with the decomposing final form of three QT taquitos and reheated coffee]]>