I always wanted a pet genie, you know, the kind I could get to lift my boobs after I had my kid, or to make Jordan Catalano real and also my boyfriend or to just make me really good Korean tacos after a nice drunk. Unfortunately, however, my boobs look like tube socks I’ve rolled up into my bra, I can’t get a date to save my life and in order to get tacos I have to leave the house, which is why, in a moment of wistful sadness, I watched all the Wishmasters.
WISHMASTERHere’s the premise: There is this genie man, called a djinn, and essentially he is the Amelia Bedelia of wish giving. “I wish I was in nature,” you say, and ole Djinn responds by plopping you inside a tree in the Amazon rain forest for the rest of your life. Basically, the Djinn fucks up some shit in Persia in the 12th century and accidentally gets sucked into a fire opal, where he dwells in djinn-misery for many moons. Cut to present (well, ’90s) day, and we see that Freddy Krueger is some sort of businessman who is casually watching his philistine employees remove containers off a ship. Inside one of these containers is a statue of Ahura Mazda, creator of the Miata, and, strangely enough, said container is accidentally dropped from a great height by a drunk crane operator, lands on Freddy Krueger’s assistant, and shatters Mr. Mazda. A dock worker finds the blood opal, which was chilling inside Mr. Mazda, and he takes it to a jewelry auctioneer to make some cold, hard cash. Alexandra is an appraiser/athlete who looks into the magic fire opal and forwards it along to her buddy Josh. Josh uses one too many lasers on the opal and it explodes. In said explosion, the Djinn comes back to form and Josh wishes he was no longer in pain from his injuries. The Djinn then kills him. This is what I’m talking about. Shitty return on sincere desires, y’all. So, all sadlike, Alexandria tracks the gem back to Freddy Krueger, and he puts her in contact with a folklore professor (Is this actually a job?) who tells her the Tale of the Djinn. Meanwhile, the Djinn has found a corpse, has skin suited him, and is trolling around town killing people and causing severe headaches in our heroine. Alexandra responds to this by going to a party Freddy Krueger is having, and lo and behold the Djinn shows up, and first he gets into a pissing contest with Candyman, but then shit gets cray when Freddy Krueger is like, “I wish this party was unforgettable, y’all, oh my god, why is everyone exploding and melting and turning into writhing, dying masses?” Eventually Alexandra gets cornered and the Djinn tries to force her hand into wishing for something like the safety of her sister. Instead, Alexandra is all, “I wish the dockworker hadn’t fucked up!” and boom, just like that, the Djinn is trapped back in his Mazda, which is a pretty fucking horrible place to be. Everyone is alive and Freddy Krueger gets the statue in its whole form for his collection. Lame. There is so much peeled skin in this movie. I love it. Is there a profession where skin peeling is a thing, other than psychopathy? If so, I want in. FILM-TO-WISH-TO-WISHMASTER EQUIVALENT: Wishing for great hair and having it grow, blond, thick and with the perfect amount of curl, from the bottoms of your feet WISHMASTER 2: EVIL NEVER DIES Morgana, a woman with dreaded hair, which signifies her position as an Outlier of Normal Society, is also a bad, bad girl and shoots a security guard in a museum robbery, because why rob a convenience store with marginal security when you can have a night at the museum (see what I did there)? Anyway, the Djinn gets popped out of his jewel house and achieves his final form right before the cops arrive, and here’s our plotline, guys: Djinn Goes to Jail. In jail the Djinn is a beast. He has a prison full of people who give zero fucks and who wish for terrible things. It’s great. People are getting smushed through cell bars, attorneys are doing themselves, and the Djinn is wearing his denim jail outfit well. Unfortunately, things aren’t going so splendidly for Morgana, because she has the headache visions of the djinnstruction her released wishmaster is wreaking and she doesn’t handle it. She is a criminal with a heart. Aww. She also has internet and uses her 1999 dial-up to search for Persian mythology and learns the visions she sees are all djinnerated by what she has unleashed. Morgana has a priest pal who says that God can make her clean and therefore an adversary to the mean old Djinn, but Morgana is a bad, bad girl and instead of becoming washed by The Spirit, bangs ole Priestivus. Post confession of their loins, they head to a casino to confront the out-of-jail Djinn. The Djinn, of course, kills the priest and Morgana has a sad but then realizes that wait, according to the Djinn legend, she has three wishes before the wishmaster is set free. She then chooses to wish that she had never shot the security guard and that, compounded with some chanting, forces the Djinn back into the fire opal. Also, Morgana’s hair is normal now, meaning she is better. Everyone wins! FILM-TO-WISH-TO-WISHMASTER EQUIVALENT: Wishing you could catch your breath and then getting to spend the rest of your life in an iron lung WISHMASTER 3: BEYOND THE GATES OF HELL Here’s the plot of every Wishmaster: Djinn trapped and angry. Djinn found by pretty girl. Djinn kills everyone to get to pretty girl. Pretty girl scorns Djinn. Djinn finds self trapped and angry again. In this one, we have Diana, the pretty girl. She’s in college and has some sort of research job with her teacher, Professor Barash, who in his other life is the son of Sean Connery (his dad must have been very proud of this bit of artwork) and, of course, during her research she finds the Djinn. And, of course, the Djinn starts killing people, the first of which is Son of Sean, whose corpse he uses as his vessel. We’ve seen this song and dance before, kids. I need something to liven it up. Enter Christianity, because, I mean, why not? Why not just muck up this storyline with superfluous characters? Turns out Diana can summon the Archangel Michael, who embodies her boyfriend’s body so that they can fight the Djinn together. Shortly thereafter the best part of the movie happens — a character tells the Djinn to blow him, and the Djinn does so in his own fun way, which does not result in any fellatio — and then we go back to whiny bitches trying to outsmart our vicious genie monster type. In the end a failed suicide attempt gives Diana the ability to swing a sword and she kills the Djinn with it. Then Michael leaves her boyfriend’s body and Diana is able to offer said boyfriend true love, something she had avoided due to her orhan childhood. How sweet. Barf. FILM-TO-WISH-TO-WISHMASTER EQUIVALENT: Wishing for an acting role so you can be like dad, and instead of being cast in a James Bond film, getting the male lead in Wishmaster 3 WISHMASTER 4: THE PROPHECY FULFILLED Love hurts. Love scars. I should know, I’ve tried it and it has left me with nothing but an inability to trust and the firm belief that all men — and my mother — leave me. So when this film opens with a pair of happy lovers, we can all assume that they are, in fact, fucked. Sam and Lisa have it all, until Sam gets in an accident and then they have it all except for his ability to feel his legs. The couple hires a lawyer to help Sam get hundred-dollar-bill crutches, but, guess what? The lawyer has eyes for Lisa, so he gives her a jewel, which, OF COURSE, houses the Djinn. I saw this coming during the first movie. In fact, I want to wish that I had stopped after the first movie, when I was still excited about finding a skin peeling job, but I didn’t, and now I can’t, because if the Djinn is real the way he’d give me my wish is by killing me and I am not in the mood for that today. Anyway, here’s where it gets nuts. The Djinn skin suits the lawyer after killing him and then goes on the hunt to find Lisa … But he accidentally falls in love with her! Wishmaster 4 is a romantic comedy, you guys! The Djinn kills some people, and then kills an angel, because of course he has to fight an angel, but then he goes to Lisa’s and LISA HAS A DJINNUINE LOVE MAKING SESH WITH OUR ANTI–HERO! Unfortunately, she wakes up post-coitus and realizes she really loves Sam. The Djinn does not handle rejection well and of course there is a fight, which Lisa wins, and the Djinn is banished yet again, but this time he takes Sam with him, leaving Lisa all alone, with all the men she’s loved or thought she loved no longer in her life. I identify with Lisa a lot in these final moments, as I also may have made love with a devil once or twice in my 20s. I presume the Djinn is killed for good in this film, as it’s the last one. I will caution all the single ladies out there to never, ever take a fire opal from a stranger or Freddy Kreuger, because you never know what might be pulsating inside it. Instead, just get cats. They’ll never leave you. Until they do. FILM-TO-WISH-TO-WISHMASTER EQUIVALENT: Wishing that someone would love you for who you are on the inside and becoming the body Miss Frizzle and her children always visit in The Magic School Bus series, which is to say, having a school bus drive out your butt every day after science class ]]>